Sarah: [00:00:00] Hi, my name is Sarah Phillips and this is the daily reflection podcast and I'm from Ponte Vedra beach, Florida. 

Lee: [00:00:09] Good morning. It is June 7th and I'm joined in the studio today by Sarah Phillips. She's from Ponte Vedra beach, Florida. And we're here to talk about today's daily reflection, which is entitled longterm hope. Welcome to the podcast, Sarah. So happy to have you. 

Sarah: [00:00:25] Thank you. Glad to be here. We 

Lee: [00:00:28] Usually start by having the guests read the daily reflection.

Would you, do you have that in front of you and would you be willing to read that for us?  

Sarah: [00:00:35] Absolutely. And it goes like this, my Sarah, and I'm an alcoholic, and this is daily reflection podcast. June 7th, since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires. It isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose when they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfaction or pleasures than our possibly.

Possible or do us. That is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection, that God wishes for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects. Or if you wish of our sins, 12 steps and 12 traditions, page 65, this is where long-term hope is born and perspective is gained. Both of the nature of my illness and the path of my recovery, the beauty of AA lives.

And knowing that my life with God's help will improve. The AA journey becomes richer. The understanding becomes truth. The dreams become realities and today becomes forever. As I step into the AA light, my heart fills with the presence of God. 

Lee: [00:01:44] Hmm. Beautiful. Thank you for reading Sarah. There's a lot in this daily reflection and before we get started talking about it, what is your sobriety date? 

Sarah: [00:01:52] My sobriety date is May 1st, 2018. 

Lee: [00:01:57] Awesome. So you just had an anniversary a little over a month ago, I guess. Congratulations. So, you know, the daily reflection talks about we're in the six months, we're kicking off actually for the daily reflection podcast, the six months, which is really a lot of discussion around step six.

And in the reflection, it says, this is where long-term hope is born and perspective is gained both the nature of my illness and the path of my recovery. Do you agree? That the nature of our illness is actually these character or these instincts gone awry, or what are your thoughts on that? 

Sarah: [00:02:34] Yes, I think so.

When. You know, step, step six, such you know, they always say like all, all this, my favorite step or all the steps are my favorite, but this is probably the one that I struggle with the most, because it just requires action on a daily basis. And in my alcoholism, you know, all of my instincts were awry.

You know, I just, my, I had insensitive demands of other people, you know, I was, I was a manipulator. I was. Not reliable. And today in my recovery, I try to just be the opposite of all of those things. So if I say I'm going to be somewhere, I'm there, I'm a liar who tells the truth and I'm dependable.

Most people who know me, if I say I'm going to be somewhere that's. That's where I am and, and really probably my sponsees and my sponsor now me best. They probably could clock my day because, you know, I just love a good routine, but I know today that I have to be exactly the opposite of what I was in my illness and in my drinking days.

Lee: [00:03:33] Yeah. I completely relate to that. And, and maybe you could talk to us a little bit about what it was like, you know, what brought you into the rooms? 

Sarah: [00:03:41] Sure. Well, you know, everybody has their bottoms and to be honest with you, my life was. I had several bottoms, like over and over and over and over again, I had multiple DUIs, multiple consequences.

I was in six different rehabs and you know, my husband was one of my best enablers. And now I can honestly say he's my biggest supporter. So, you know, families do heal when the person gets sober, we do recover together. That's been my experience, but what was the final breaking straw was, I You know, I was drunk at the pool with, with my disabled daughter and CPS got called and I got charged with a felony.

And that was it for me. You know, I, I was at the point where they were going to take my kids away. My husband wanted to get a divorce and. You know, that was the final straw that broke the camel's back. But I can't sit here and say, I had just so many years of, of drinking and it was just so great.

I mean, it was bad for years and years and years. And it, it took me a lot of pain to, to come into the rooms of AA. And this time when I came in, I was just a hundred percent willing to do whatever it took. And my sponsor at the time, if she told me to jump, I was like, how high? You know, and it's funny when I'm working with other people's it really other people, it really does depend on your level of willingness, because this is a program of action.

And like when we're talking about character defects, I like how drop the rock. Talks about, we act as if our character defects have been removed and I have to do that on a daily basis. I have to wake up, I have to pray and I have to ask God to direct and guide my thoughts. That's the most important prayer that, that I need to say in the morning, because without his guidance and reliance upon him, I'm just going to be doing the same old behavior.

But this time I'm going to be sober. So that's not very fun either. 

Lee: [00:05:31] What was it about this time that you think finally got you to, to really commit and be willing? Cause it sounds like you had a lot of pretty intense consequences before, but what changed this time? 

Sarah: [00:05:46] I think ,  so when I had those consequences at the pool that day, and when the CPS guy came over to my house, I literally couldn't go back to my house.

So, I went and rented a hotel for a couple of days and I just. Basically begged God to remove the obsession of alcohol. I really don't think that I would be sober today if that didn't happen. And that's probably been the only character defect that he's a hundred percent removed, the rest, the rest I've struggled along within sobriety, but I'm very thankful for that.

And I remember just detoxing in the hotel and I'm not a person who normally gets on my knees and I probably still don't. Although I did today before this You know, and I just begged him to, to remove the obsession to drink. Now I'm an alcoholic. I can't sit here and say, oh, I don't ever want to drink.

But since that day I have not had the overwhelming desire to go buy alcohol. And I promised I made a deal with him. I said, if you take away this obsession, then I will do whatever it takes to stay sober. And I can honestly say for the past. Three years that I have done exactly that every single day I work hard at my recovery.

I, I still go to meetings every single day. I call my sponsor every single day. I work with other people and all of that stuff keeps me sober. And I guess in the beginning of recovery, I didn't have I didn't, there's a difference between faith and belief and in the beginning, I did not believe in the program because it's like, if I do this or this, then I know that this is going to happen.

And therefore, I believe in the program, but it was more of a leap of faith. And I believed what other people were telling me. And I did want to be happy. And so it was a lot of acting as if and showing up to meetings when I didn't want to go. And I'm still a person who doesn't. Who doesn't necessarily want to do the things that keep me sober every single day, but I know what it takes to stay sober.

And I know if I do certain things that the odds are that I'm going to stay sober that day. 

Lee: [00:07:46] What about early, you know, early sobriety when you first came in to AA, what was that like for you? Did you find your sponsor right away? Is this the same sponsor that you have, that you have now that you had when you first came in?

What was that like? Just the early days 

Sarah: [00:07:58] of sobriety. Well, I was very lucky. I went to I went to sober living this time. I've never done sober living before. However, I did do a lot of rehabs. Like I said, I went to several before this past time. And. I went to a IOP program here in Jacksonville beach. And I love the people that run the IOP program there.

They're responsible for helping save my life. And they gave me a list of numbers and they were like, you need to call these numbers, you know? The long-term recovery is going to come in the room of alcoholics anonymous. If you don't make friends you're going to die. And I really believed him. He was, he was a hard counselor.

He wasn't like my other counselors who co-sign my crap or whatever. Yeah. Was the last thing that I needed. I need, I needed somebody to be very direct with me. And I remember sitting in his program after about two weeks and he's like, Did you call those numbers? And I was like, no. And he was like, I bet you won't do it either.

And that gave me the motivation. My ego worked for me that day and I, and I went back to sober living and I called those numbers. I do not have my First sponsor. She I ended up getting a different sponsor after about a year and a half into my sobriety, but my current sponsor, I have known my entire sobriety and she used to be my great grand sponsor.

And I, you know, I just really always connected to her and we only have a lot in common. So, but my first sponsor only had four months of sobriety at the time. So, you know, I have been sponsoring. Women very early on. And then the women I sponsor, I really pushed them to sponsor and I could really relate to her.

It was like, I felt like we were on the same page. You know, I just didn't have that intimidation factor, I guess that comes sometimes, I guess, with people who have a lot of recovery, some, and those have been painful lessons for me too, as well. That I put people up on pedestals, you know, who, who have a lot of recovery or whatever the case is.

And, you know, at the end of the day, we're all human beings and, you know, yeah, that's just been, you know, I've had to learn that lesson over and over and over again. That is definitely a character defect of mine and then putting expectations on people. But I had her for the first year and a half and she was great and we would go down, we would you know, travel together to all these women's conferences and stuff like that.

And she was really on fire about AA and stuff. And then And then I got my current sponsor about a year and a half ago, just over a year and a half ago. And she's been a blessing in my life too, as well. And I remember when I first got her, she was, I, I was going to six meetings a week at that time. And she was like, I need you to go to a meeting every day and call me every day.

And I'm like, but I already go to 16. Meetings a week and she's like, well, what's one more cocaine. Well, when you put it that way, I guess it's not a big deal. So last year I only missed one meeting and this year I hope to you know, get a meeting in every day, but. You know, there's just really no reason for me not to go to a meeting and especially with zoom and all of that kind of stuff.

And even if I'm just in the morning doing my makeup or doing my hair, I can log on to a zoom meeting. I really just don't see any excuse for me not to go to a meeting. And it is part of my recovery and it took me nine months to even want to go to meetings because of social anxiety and even sharing in meetings.

That's been a journey and a process. And a lot of that, you know, I still have anxiety over sharing. And a lot of that is self-centered fear, but a lot of that too is because I want to carry the message of AA and it does work, you know? And you know, I like to lead by example and I tell my sponsees the same thing.

I can't very well tell, and it suggests somebody to do something if I'm not doing it myself. So, you know, I think the greatest influence comes from leading by example. And when I look at people, I look at their actions, you know, it's like people aren't going to judge me on my intentions. It's it's, if I say, I'm going to do this, I need to, I need to make sure and do it whether I want to or not, but it definitely has been a journey.

And each year it is true. It gets better and better and better. And I'm still, you know, just, just over three years in and each year has gotten better and better. I can say that. So. 

Lee: [00:12:09] I love that you shared that you have anxiety sharing and meetings still. And it's been a few years for me and I still get anxiety sharing and meetings.

And I think part of it is, you know, I always say God's pounding on my heart. You know, the more authentically I share the scarier, it feels sometimes. But but I think that's going to be helpful to a lot of people because a lot of people have anxiety about sharing and we do it anyway because it. It helps us and it helps others.

You know, I'm curious about something before we move on to your step. Your step work is your husband in a recovery program? Is he an Alanon or anything like that? 

Sarah: [00:12:44] He is not, but We used to always drink together. And there was a lot of codependency there and I can say looking back at my history, you know how they say, oh, well, what did you do different this time?

Well, there's a lot of things this time around that I've done differently. Like I would go to AA, you know, if I would get in trouble or if I was in rehab or, or. You know, I got a DUI. I'd have to get my little sheet signed or whatever this time coming in. I put up the boundary with my husband, no alcohol in the house and don't drink around me that it just wouldn't work for me.

And he's respected that to this day. And I just really don't. We have been together. I met him at the age of 21. We've been together for 20 years. So he has seen me in my darkest days. And. And all of that. And every time before I always had that reservation with him, I always was like, you can go ahead and drink because somewhere in the back of my mind, I wasn't done, you know, but I, you know, hindsight's always 20, 20.

You don't really know, know that until you're on the other side of it. But I did. I always had that reservation. No, you can just keep doing, doing your thing and you can drink and it's okay. Because I was not ready. A hundred percent ready. It was like, you know, he's really respected that boundary. And I don't think that we would be together if he, if he didn't, but he used to be my number one enabler.

And now he is my number one fan. And He's like, girl, if you need to go to a meeting, you go to a meeting. I know what you you're like. You're crazy. Go on ahead. So that's actually been a blessing. And in the beginning it was a huge juggling act because my first year, you know, my first sponsor, like, like I said, she was new in recovery and she wanted me to go to all the same meetings that she went to.

And that didn't really work for my schedule because I have a husband and I have children and it was like, I was trying to That a, that a round around voluntary square hole. It just, but now today it's like, I don't sponsor that way. I'm like, you know, just go to a meeting, you know, just pick a meeting that works for your schedule.

I don't, I prefer to see you at least once a week, face to face. Just find meetings that work for you. And I've had to switch up my recovery. On multiple occasions, but my home group is a women's weights are the 12 steps we need every Saturday morning at 9:00 AM at Penman club here in Jacksonville beach, Florida.

And that meeting has been instrumental in my recovery. It was probably the only meeting that I felt comfortable sharing it. And when I first started going to it, there was like maybe only five women. And now we have over 50 women in the meeting and we also zoom in for those that can't come. So between zoom in between and personally probably have 65 women every week.

So most of my service work is poured into that meeting last year, when the pandemic hit I opened up a zoom account for that women's meeting and just started posting it on, on all the group, Facebook pages and it blew up. And then when we became back in person, I went and talked to the clubhouse with another woman.

And we're the only meeting there that got zoom approved. So, so. Got both virtual and in person, but I love that meeting. And now, since it's so big, it is, it causes me some anxiety sharing in it. But what I share, because I know you know, I just, I want to be of service and I, and I, and I need to get out of it.

Self too. A lot of times, I think the closest way to, to get closer to God is, is through abandonment of self, you know, being self-absorbed about, what am I going to say? Is it going to sound right? And, and perfectionism, you know, as a huge character defect of mine. And I read somewhere one time that. If you were really a perfectionist, then you would see that you would see the beauty in things instead of being so critical and picking out all of the, you know, bad things in that.

And that really struck me, struck me in life. So maybe I'm not a perfectionist after all. Maybe I'm just critical maybe. Something I always have to work on, you know, and, and usually I find that that if I'm being over critical of somebody else, that's because I'm being over critical of myself, you know?

So I think building my self esteem and working with other people, that's the greatest work that I can do in life. 

Lee: [00:17:17] I love your message. Let's talk about, about the steps you were just talking about getting out of self which of course, you know, Reminds me and I'm sure others have the third step.

And I'm wondering what does turning your will in your life over to the care of God, look like to you today? Do you, do you feel like you have a higher power? Have you found one as a result of doing the steps? What was that like for you? 

Sarah: [00:17:42] Well, I have been a person that's always believed in God because my dad, I grew up in a Southern Baptist home and he was a preacher.

You know, they say, preacher, kids are the worst and I'm here to attest to that. It is true. We are crazy. But you know, my idea of God has changed. You know, even if people don't believe in God, when they come in this program, there are just so many miracles that I witnessed on. On a regular basis. It's impossible not to believe in God, but I have a routine that I do every day that I wake up at night.

I get all of the readings from Steven Todd and I read all of those readings every morning. I think it's a great way to get all of the groupings of the big book and the 12 and 12, and even in a readings and some other readings in there, 24 hours a day and daily reflections and all of that. So I, I sit out on my porch every morning and I read that and then I always ask God to direct and guide my thoughts and help me to be of service.

You know, and help me to help somebody else that day. And I think by doing the next right thing, I think it's impossible not to grow up connection with a higher power. I know I don't know what God wants for my life, but I know what he doesn't want. And he doesn't want me drinking. He wants me to be a good mother.

He wants me to be a good wife. And in order to do those things that I do have to invest a lot of time into recovery and helping others. And. Putting my program in God first. And by doing that, you know, my kids come first. My husband comes first. It all comes first. You know, it's not like I, I could, I never understood that before.

I was like, how am I supposed to put my recovery first when I have these children? You know, and I also have a special needs daughter, so I would always use that as an excuse that, oh, I can't do this or do that, but I am able to put them first today because I, because I take care of my recovery and my mental health every day.

Lee: [00:19:39] That's beautiful. The Steven Todd readings you're talking about, is that the daily ponderable yes. 

Sarah: [00:19:46] Yeah. 

Lee: [00:19:46] So that I was actually just looking it up online to see if I could send a A link along with our show notes. But I think if you Google daily ponderable goals, you can sign up for that email and you'll get in your inbox every single day, a selection of various recovery readings and they are fabulous.

So I'm glad you brought that up and it's a cool way to start the day. I agree. So the daily reflection says. When our character defects drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than we are possible than are possible, or even do us. That is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection, that God wishes for us here on earth.

And so I'm curious, what are your thoughts on what God wishes for you today and how step six shows up in that for you? 

Sarah: [00:20:42] Well, I think, you know, growing up, it's so crazy, but I used to want to be a missionary and I really do believe that I have found my tribe of people in AA. I am a good organizer and gatherer of women.

I get big groups of us together and we go for coffee. My purpose is honestly, My sole purpose on earth, I truly believe is to help another alcoholic achieve sobriety. That is the goal of the whole steps. In order for me to do that, then my character defects. I cannot act on them. That doesn't mean that, that I don't have certain negative thoughts that go through my head or whatever, but I don't have to necessarily act on those today.

And I can pause. I can think I can ask God to direct and guide my thoughts and just to be of service. To other people. And that really truly is my goal in life. You know, I, I know that I'm a miracle and I've worked with other women who are miracles in early recovery. Like I said, I started sponsoring pretty early on, early on.

And when you have women call you every day, it just gives you the motivation to stay sober too. I'm accountable to my sponsor, but I'm also accountable to other women in the program. And. You know, now I have I have four of them that I've had for, for over. Almost two of them have over a year and the other two are coming up on a year.

So it's like, and I've had them all and they are right around the same time in, you know, in early recovery. I would sit there and get so frustrated cause I'm like, gosh, you know, these people. The odds are against us. And I, and I would just keep working with other women and it just wasn't working. Or, you know, I am, I'm in the business of planting seeds.

I do not have the power to make anybody stay sober, but I did start changing my prayers to please give me willing ones, God, please give me a willing one so I can work with them. And I kid you not, the four of them came along and they've been sober ever since. And it's just, it's like, it's just. I don't know, it's just a miracle and just watching them grow and the things that they go through in life.

And there's just a true joy in that. And that is what God's purpose is for me is to, is to help other people out. And whether that's at home, whether that's with my children whether that's working with people in recovery, I. I need to be able to give back, you know, this was freely given to me. A lot of women have worked with me today.

I have a host of friends, like the big book says, and a lot of them are newcomers, you know? And there's, that really is the joy of life. You know, I tell my sponsees A lot of people are like, oh, well you need a big book meeting in your, in your root and your routine of meetings that you go to, or you need a 12 and 12.

Like you need a newcomer meeting in there because if you're not connecting with a newcomer, you're not fulfilling your purpose. And if you're, and if you're an AA and you're staying sober, your primary purpose is to help another alcoholic achieve sobriety and. And at the end of the day, it's, it's a serious, it's an honor, but it's also a mental illness, you know?

And I do take my, I have a lot of fun in recovery, but I also take it serious because I have seen people, you know, in the short amount of time that I've been sober die and, and most people don't make it. And it's like, we just got to hang onto the people that do and and stay willing, you know? Yeah, I love what you're 

Lee: [00:24:19] saying.

And I agree. I too, I find it miraculous that. You know, I was the blackout everyday blackout drinker who really only cared about myself. And today my sole purpose is to help another woman stay sober if she wants to. And and like how, how much of a change is that? That's just a wholesale change. It's incredible.

And that's just higher power at work in our lives clearly. And I love hearing it in your story as well. And so speaking of the newcomer, as we begin to wrap up this conversation, What advice would you give to women or, or men, anyone coming into the program? And you know, like, you know, we say this all the time, we've got people listening that may not even know for sure if they belong here.

We also have some people listening. That's the beauty of podcasting. We reach people that aren't necessarily in the rooms yet, or maybe people who are really new. What would you suggest to them? You've already given us a lot of advice already, but what specific piece of advice would you give to a newcomer?

Sarah: [00:25:20] You know, for me, I sat there and told myself for the first year, I said, I'm going to give this thing a hundred percent. I'm I know this is a reservation, but I'm like, the liquor store is still going to be there. I'm going to give this thing a hundred percent because I've read online and, and through counseling, you know, your odds increase of long long-term sobriety, you know, after a year, then after five years and after 10 years, I was like, I can do this thing for a year.

I've been drinking. For 20 years, what's a year of my life and it does get better. And I would have to sit there in early recovery. I would have to almost compare my recovery for the last month. I'm like, well, I wasn't where I was a month ago. You know, I've come far this past month. And, and then just staying in the day.

That was always the best suggestion I ever had. And sometimes I'd have to remember, like, where are my feet? You know, I'm right here. I'm okay. Today my children are okay. I'm alive, I'm healthy. I have food. I have a roof over my head today. I'm going to be okay. And what can I do for my recovery today?

Well, I definitely can go to a meeting and I can call my sponsor. Sometimes I sit there and think I'm like, gosh, I can't, I can't think of doing this for the rest of my life. I still can't think of doing this for the rest of my life. That sounds a little daunting, but I can do it today for sure. And you know, all of this stuff you know, just leaving the results to God.

That's so much easier said than done, but if I'm focused on the day and I stay in the day, then you know, I have a shot at this thing. 

Lee: [00:26:50] That's such good advice to stay in the day, one day at a time, right? Just for today. No matter what, don't take a drink, get to a meeting. Huh? This has been such a lovely conversation.

I've enjoyed it so much. I'm so glad to have gotten to know you a little bit more. Thanks to Kathy Rowan. I think for sending you to us she's such a lovely person and a great friend. Is there anything else before we go that you want to make sure our listeners hear. 

Sarah: [00:27:15] You know if I can do it, anybody can do it.

I would literally drink a handle of vodka for the weekend and I slept with a bucket beside my bed and I would wake up in the middle of the night and have to drink, but really it was like You know, God could. And what if you were sought? And when I said that prayer and I truly was done and I threw in the white towel, there's just freedom in that, you know, and just saying, I give up this, I can't, I can't control this anymore.

You know, there's just such relief and freedom and sobriety, and it really is the best decision that I've ever made in my life. 

Lee: [00:27:51] That's wonderful. Thank you Sarah so much for agreeing to be a part of the podcast. It's just been fantastic. Such a great conversation. 

Sarah: [00:27:59] Thank you. Absolutely. Thank you.