#140 One Day at a Time (May 20) - Joe W. (Ashburn, VA)

Joe W.: 0:00

hi, this is Joe w and welcome to the daily reflection podcast.

Lee: 0:05

I've got Joe w from Ashburn, Virginia in the studio with me today. It is May 20th. And Joe is here to share his experience, strength and hope around today's daily reflection, which is one day at a time. Joe, would you kick us off by reading the daily reflection?

Joe W.: 0:21

Yeah. So I'd love to thank you very much. My name is Joe, and I'm an alcoholic today's daily reflection. One day at a time, May 20th above all, take it one day at a time as bill sees it, page 11. Why do I kid myself that I must stay away from a drink for only one day when I know perfectly? I must never drink again for as long as I live. I am not kidding myself because one day at a time is probably the only way I can reach the long range objective staying. So if I determined that I shall never drink again, as long as I live, I set myself up. How can I be sure I won't drink when I have no idea what the future may hold on a day at a time basis. I am confident I can stay away from a drink for one day. So I set out with confidence at the end of the day, I have the reward of achievement. Achievement feels good, and that makes me want more.

Lee: 1:20

Thank you so much for reading. I love this reading and before we get started, what is your sobriety date?

Joe W.: 1:27

My sobriety date is May 31st, 2013. Wow.

Lee: 1:33

Anniversary right around the corner.

Joe W.: 1:36

God-willing yeah.

Lee: 1:38

So as you read this daily reflection, Joe, what comes to mind for you right off the bat?

Joe W.: 1:43

The first thing that comes to mind, I was thinking about that was a couple of years back in my first sobriety date was January 3rd, 1990. I don't know why. I remember that. That may be in my dry drunk date. Actually. I stopped drinking and I started going to meetings for a couple of years and. Never got a sponsor, which is very important and very key to know, but w I was dry for several years. Then I went back out for 15 years and this time I came back in and this time I got a sponsor, took me through the steps and my sponsor pointed out that going to meetings and hanging out with people in AA that were the fellowship, but the program or the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous as they're outlined in the big book And I was in my sponsor, took me through those steps. Then a couple of years back in I, it hit me and it seems so obvious, but it hit me that the same way that we learn not to pick up a drink is the same way we learn how to live life. Because from my experience, I know based on my experience that putting down a Drake, as hard as that was, cause I lived drink and drug drugs are part of my story too. But putting down my drink and surrendering is step one is step two through 12. Teach me how to learn, how to live without finding a, necessarily to pick up a drink or a drug where I'm okay in my own skin and that realization or epiphany, if you will, of being back in a couple of years and saying, Oh, the same way that I, whether we don't drink one day at a time is the same way we learn how to live life. That's what comes to mind when I read this.

Lee: 3:14

Yeah. I love that. And maybe we can go back to the beginning a little bit. I know you came back in, in 2013 after a long period of, going back to drinking or relapse. What is it that brought you back into the rooms the second time?

Joe W.: 3:30

Yeah, I S I do say it's sometimes say it's a relapse, but part of me thinks that in order to have a relapse, you have to have some recovery. But I don't want to get into semantic Sonic, cause it really doesn't matter. I did not drink or drug for several years. And then, that 15 years, it's interesting. I measured my life by certain milestones, which were very important to me and I had. No, I stopped going to meetings. I was just going to meetings for a couple of years. I stopped going to meetings for several years in 98. I started drinking a little bit and then I met she's now my ex-wife, but then my, then future now ex-wife. And I remember, met her in 98. And I remember thinking that she wasn't wouldn't want to love when she wouldn't love me or want to be with me if I wasn't partying with her and all our friends. And I always like to mention that because it just clarifies for me. The insidiousness of my alcoholism, the disease that tells me I don't have a disease, the disease, it tells me this. Woman's not going to love me. If I'm not drinking, I'm not going to be accepted by her if I'm not drinking or drugging. And that's my alcoholism talking to me. But I measure my life by all these milestones that we met, 98, 99. We bought a house together. In 2000, we got married and I also got a job in sales. I'm an it sale, started making some pretty good money. 2001. My first son was born 2002. We bought a single family house out here in Ashburn, Virginia. 2003, my second son was born. So I had all these great things happening, but I gave it all away because I. Sacrificed all that for my drinking and drugging. And I felt like the walls were closing in those last several years. And finally, when she told me she no longer was in need of my services as her husband in 2013, in February of 2013, it really got bad. Bill talks about. In his in Bill's story and a big book, how the drinking took more serious proportions or some something along those lines. And that's how it was for me as a bad as it, my drinking was, it got worse. And that's the thing that I've heard in here. And I hear in the rooms that like, this is a progressive fatal illness and I experienced that wholeheartedly. The other thing I would say is after that period of it talks about this in the big book too, after that period of Of not drinking. I picked up a drink and it was worse than it ever was. It had progressed. And it talks about that, after a period of not drinking, we pick up and it's just as bad or worse than it was before. And that was the case with me.

Lee: 6:02

How long were you after you picked that drink up again? How long were you out there before you came back in the second

Joe W.: 6:08

time? It's 15 years. I relate to that part of it. 12 and 12 is step one. It says a young people come in here and I was, quite a bit younger when I came in here, obviously, 19, 1990 was 31 years ago. But I suffered through that 10 to 15 years of literal hell that young people don't have to suffer through, but I did that and that's just my story, but I can relate to that. One of the things that's very. Was very important to me and it started with the surrender and step one of, I am absolutely screwed. I wanted to kill myself. When I came in here, I didn't want to live. I had nothing to live for. And that surrender led to me relating in where the first time I came in, I didn't relate. And I went to some great meetings in Washington, DC heard some great stories, made some friends, but but I would always compare out. And I came back in. I was so desperate that I came back in and I compared in, I was looking for what I could relate to just through desperation. And that kind of ties into some of this reading at one day at a time where I came in with that desperation. And then I realized after a couple of years, and it was even before that, but realize after going through the steps that this, the meetings help. The meat. I need to go to meetings. I need to fellowship. I cannot do this alone. The first word of the first step is we, but that in itself isn't enough. I realized that the steps were making a difference in my life and that really my problem or my control issues and the things I used to drink at those causes and conditions that I learned about my fourth step. And I. Couldn't let go of anything. I was so angry when I came in here and by the grace of God, truly by the grace of God, of the God, of my understanding, I'm able to let go of things. And that's really a third step thing where I can turn things over and not try to control all this stuff, because that's the problem. And that's when the realization, after a couple of years, the same way we live life, I would feel like something happens at work or something happens in a relationship. And I have to fix it immediately. And I've learned that through other people, but really through my own trial and error, I learned through my own experience that if I hit the pause button and maybe I don't have to fix anything, if it's not burning down, if it's not a life and death situation, let it go. And then maybe, and deal with it later, not in a way to procrastinate, but in a way to gain some perspective and get some space and not be caught up in the emotional reaction of whatever that situation is. And that's what the one day at a time. Means to me, there's also a huge, like I was gonna say, there's a God component. But the, my sponsor pointed out to me when I was pontificating over the spiritual aspects of the program. And he looked at me and said, you dummy, and he may not have said, you'd tell me that may just be my, what I heard, but you tell me the whole thing is spiritual. The other thing about the one day at a time that I think about that, I realized. Absolutely 100% to my core is of my higher power. The God of mine is standing, who is keeping me sober today, require that I do my part is only here in today. And if I'm living in tomorrow or the past, then I am totally disconnected from God, from the sources, keeping me sober. So the more I can be focused on today and that doesn't mean fixing things. A lot of times if I screw up and I will, and I do, and it talks about that the 10 step, I want to try to fix it immediately. And that's just not the reality, the way life works and whether it's something that I have caused or not just a life situation, being able to take that pause and talk to another alcoholic or someone outside of the rooms to, but really connecting with other. With other AA folks in AA men in particular, but also women. You and I are really good friends too. And gaining some perspective because when I talk to someone about what's going on, The big difference is especially someone in AA who's living by these spiritual principles is that they are not attached to what I am. And my problem is my attachment to things. And when I get attached to things, I kicks up some fear because it's the fear of like somewhere in the literature, the fear of losing something I have or not getting what I want. So I have to, go into meetings. I get these messages or these aha moments, right? These God moments, if you will where I realized and this is recently, like I go to meetings cause it gives me perspective. And when I'm caught up in myself, I lack perspective, I lack perspective. And then I'm operating on myself and , Trying to control something or I'm living in the fear of the future or guilt and remorse in the past. So you've separated from God. And then it's all about me and then causing a big mess and blah, blah, blah. And I've heard about, I could work the steps in reverse, and I won't be able to stand myself. I couldn't stand myself when I was dry and not the only difference was I wasn't drinking. My life got marginally better. It did get marginally better. So I'm not getting DUIs. If I'm not drinking, I'm not getting in as many fights, but I'm still fighting. On, maybe my, my my employment situations, a little better, my relationships marginally better, but that's that you'd have to ask the other person and those relate and the relationship shifts, and they may have a different difference of opinion, but that in itself isn't enough. And it talks about that. In the literature in there is a solution which I love it talks about the fellowship. And while these people on a path ship, sip liner, and the ship rack, we're all rescued and we have this common peril and it says, but dad in itself wouldn't be enough. It says we have a common solution that binds us together. And when I talk to other. People in the rooms who were doing their best to try to live by these principles. Then I gave some perspective with that. So I really value that.

Lee: 12:10

I really love everything you're saying and kinda relate to a lot of it. And I'm thinking about, when you came in early recovery, for those that might be listening that are newer, this concept of one day at a time, just with. Regards to not picking up a drink today. Cause we come in and I guess the question, the first question for you, it could be, what was it like for you when you came back into the rooms? The second time beaten down, wanting to kill yourself was picking up a drink or not picking up a drink, hard feat. And how did you apply this one day at a time concept to that, to just not drinking one

Joe W.: 12:47

for that? I will say that the last four or five years of my drinking, I was drinking against my will and I didn't want a drink. I knew that it was ruining my life. I knew that it was ruining my marriage. It was hurting my relationship with my two young sons. I knew it was killing me and destroying me, but I never thought about coming back into AA, which is weird. Cause I went to like meetings every day for a couple of years when I first came in the nineties. But again, no program just meetings. So I don't really remember much except leading some cool people and not drinking, but those last four or five years of my drinking, I drank against my will. And then it was Memorial day weekend of 2013. And I'm going through a divorce and I'm drunk texting my ex wife, my strange wife at the time. And she calls my brother, my twin brother, actually, who did a family intervention. And he. Wanted me to go to rehab and I cut them a deal and said, I'd come back to AA. And that was the first time I thought about coming back a, I remember telling him I was like, I got church and I got therapy. Cause I was going to some church and going to some therapy, but I was still hardcore, active, drunk. I got church, I got therapy and I I'll go back to AA. So I'll have this like Holy Trinity of what's going to make me better. But for me it's been a. Like it's me. It's coming back in getting the sponsor and just being so desperate. I had that gift of desperation, the obsession to drink or drug was removed. I just felt like I was done. I was 48 years old. My life is over. I'm going through a divorce. My kids don't really want to be around me. I'm totally lost. I'm totally, disconnected. I'm in this dark place. And I knew that. Pudding drinking was pouring gasoline on the fire. And I also knew Carmen coming back in here and I have my big book that as hard as it was, and I know it can be really hard for some of us. I'm an alcoholic. I lived to drink and drugs, so I'm not going to make it sound like it was easy, but I knew that putting down the Drake was the tip of the iceberg because I had lived in the first part of the first step for eight years before I lived there. I knew I was powerless over alcohol and And, but my life was unmanageable and then no. Two through 12, no steps, two through 12, no solution at all. So I had lived there before and I knew that it was the tip of the iceberg I needed. I knew I had to do some things differently. And I came in and I met a lot of great people. Like I did the first time and got a temporary sponsor. And a friend of mine suggested I switched to my current sponsor and I actually have, co-sponsors not basically steps a couple of times, it's just, what's working for me. And this guy took me through the steps. That's the, that's been the key, that's that has those steps provide that Archway to bill. So eloquently writes, The Archway to walk through as a free man, and I had no idea the gift of sobriety. I don't want to sound, Pollyannish about it or anything like that, but my life is absolutely amazing and it really has. I've got some external stuff. My ex in my relationships are great, but it really is the relationship with myself. And it starts with the relationship with my relationship with God and the relationship with myself and understanding that I have a, the steps, give me a pathway to find a higher power that works for me, that loves me and wants the best for me so I can learn how to love myself and then love others as well, and get that flow of love going. But that's been a process, but coming in the obsession. Left rather quickly, but I was just done, but I've been done before, it was done before in the nineties and, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic and I was done before and I got some mild relief and then I thought I could drink safely. And I knew to my core, and I know today to my core I'm not a safe, I am not a safe drinker, and I don't, I, that's, that is a Fool's proposition for a guy like me, think that I can drink safely under any circumstances. I tried it, I tried it doesn't work for me. So now I gotta find another way to live where I'm okay. And myself, because I'm not drinking or drugging anymore. And that's what the steps provide me.

Lee: 16:59

yeah. I can really relate to that. I feel like it takes what it takes to finally get to a place where we can see to our innermost selves that. We're alcoholics. It just takes what it takes. And it sounds like it took you until 2013 to get to that point and you're here and that's a beautiful thing I'm curious about. Maybe you can share with us a little bit about what your life is like now as a result of doing the steps you've been speaking so beautifully about how the steps have changed you and how you have a relationship with the God of your understanding. What is life like today?

Joe W.: 17:30

My life is, it keeps getting better and better in spite of myself sometimes. And that doesn't mean there's not pain associated. So I. Try to keep it real and off and be as authentic as I can be. I live in 10, 11 steps, 10, 11, and 12, and I know I'm an alcoholic. So one, two and three are their foundation. My sponsor explained this to me. One, two, three of the foundation. I'm screwed. There's something outside of myself that can help me. What's my choice going to be, am I going to move forward with the rest of this process and also continue to rely on that source of love, that's helping keep me sober or keeping me sober. Am I going to just keep doing things my way? And then four, not four through nine, clean up the past 10, 11 and 12. He pointed out that step 10 is a present version of four through nine on a daily basis. So I get to, in the big book, talks about that as well. I try to do the things I talk about before pause, right now I can talk about a situation at work. There's some stuff going on at work. And what I don't want to be is be a total jerk and make it about me. I know, and this is, easier said than done, but the more I do this better, I feel about myself when I come from that place of trying to be loved, loving, and helpful, but also learning things about boundaries and being able to. Advocate for myself in a kind and loving way, asking for things when others could be helping the big book lays out very specifically. And there's really no, it's very clear what to do in the 11 step to both the 10 step and the 11th step in the big book. And I love 86 through 88, and we talk about that all the time and my sponsor and my my current guy, we'll we'll talk. And he goes He'll ask me sometimes what have I packed through the stream of life today? Or he'll tell me that he's trying to pack stuff in the stream of life and none of us do this perfectly, but the one thing that a guy said three months when I was back in here, three months that I remember was awareness is the key. And through the awareness of the steps, I get to look at myself and how I'm conducting myself. And continue to work on that. Not as a means to beat myself up because it talks about, in the literature not to fall into guilt or remorse cause that would diminish my usefulness to others. So that's the philosophy I ask. So how does that look? Today we, my, I have an ex-wife but we have two kids, my sons, who I was going to kill myself. Seven almost eight years ago would have been eight years ago. Cause it was before I came back in, I was going to kill myself and leave them as orphans. They have a sober present loving dad who tries not to control their lives and just try to be like, treat them like young men provide some help and structure if they want it, but also make it clear that. Hey we all got our own stuff in life. I want to help you guys out, but you guys have to make your decisions. I know that my job is to lead by example and to show them through my actions, not through my words. So I want to provide the S provide a safe environment and be that kind loving person to them. And also my ex wife trusts me today, and she, I've done a lot of work, both through the steps, but really outside. The 11 step opens up all kinds of avenues. We learn to care enough about ourselves to go. This is about freedom and health getting healthier. And the more I do this, the healthier that I get, my relationships get healthier. So I have a good job. I'm trying not to run the show. I'm trying to be helpful, but also have some open. Speak my truth, but speaking to kind loving way. So work's going well, but there's stuff going on at work that, it's just work, you call it work for a reason. Have a wonderful relationship with partner and through those, through to the fourth step in these romantic relationships, through the, they call it the sex idea or the sex portion of the forest, but it's really relationships, and it talks about what are my ideals? What am I bringing to the table? Number one, but also what are my ideals and what am I looking for? And being able to communicate that in an honest and authentic way, in a loving way, too. And it really looked, where can I give instead of taking, I was a huge taker. So I have a good relationship there. My ex-wife tons of friends family relationships. Good. I have to keep looking at myself. The family stuff can be tough. My sponsor talks about grooves. Like we get in these ruts. Or grooves of patterns of behavior. I'm reading all kinds of other spiritual books like it talks about, and the 11 staff that are opening up things. So I get to learn constantly learn more about myself, false belief systems, have an open mind, maybe you have an open mind to look at things a little differently. Couple of years ago, my dad passed away missing rarely, but I was able to be available for them. It's not always. Puppy dogs and rainbows, sometimes life it's life on life's terms. And my dad died and it was a tough it was a big loss. It was a big loss for our family and, but I was able to be there and be with him and with my siblings with, at risk, with the rest of my family. And just some amazing experiences to go through that. So it is. W probably some of the most, one of the most spiritual experiences I've been through to be in a sad time with the field, the strongest presence of God that I ever have. And then also with my stepfather and who died about five years ago and being able to be with him and now the, be. With my mom, who's a widow now dealing with, situations with my kids, and then realizing that can trigger stuff. Not only for me, but for their mother too. And the awareness and the empathy, I the level of empathy, the more I keep doing this, I develop more empathy. And understanding towards others. I'll just say in that doesn't mean that I, people please, or I co-sign, or have to be complicit, two things that run against my value systems are what I believe this has been a, an interesting year for a lot of reasons, we have the pandemic and you and I, you and I have been involved in a lot of these zoom meetings from day one of the pandemic. I knew that, like I knew, this is our Salerno beachhead. Like we get to stay sober and help other alcoholics as our primary purpose through zoom. And if I get my judgment and I know a lot of people don't like zoom and I'm not judging anyone, but I know for me I'm not, I want to be in a position in own God, who God provides us for me and allows me to do this being in a position where I can be helpful and look at the glass, the positive and the bright side of things. Even in difficult situation because there always is. And I was the most negative pessimistic miserable sob that a lot of the times when I was drinking or if I'm dry, but this gives me an ability to have a different perspective. Like Chuck C talks about a new pair of glasses when I do it. It's awesome. When I don't do it, it sucks and I excuse my language, but, and when I don't do it, I know it's not anything external. It's not the pandemic. It's not the political situation. It's not my ex wife or my kids or my girlfriend or anything else or my job it's me. It's how I am reacting to a situation that is happening in the serenity. Prayer tells me that it's so simple and basic, and bill said, I love it. I love Bill's bill story simple, but not easy. A price had to be paid. And what's the price I have to give up myself centeredness. There are so many oxymorons here of the spiritual principles, surrender to win, give it away to keep it, all these things. But that concept of getting out of myself and it talks about this over and over. And I've experienced this in calling up, someone else just to check on someone else. I got brothers and sisters in this program. I've got people outside of this to, and outside of AA. There are people living spice, spiritual principles who are not an AA too. They're out there. I just have to get in that develop a new groove, a new rut, not a rod, but a new group. We're developing new patterns of behavior. We're developed. We're replacing old habits with old negative habits with new positive ones and just doing that one day at a time. And that makes it so much easier. I don't have to map this out for a year. I don't have to plan out. I'm not a goody two shoes. I'm a human being. I just have to do the best I can today. I'm not white knuckling. It is unbelievable that a guy like me who live to Drake or dry, I gave a lot of stuff away for drinking the drug. And today that I don't, I'm not the same person and that's by the grace of God. And then the fellows, the wonderful fellowship. These 12 steps, the program of AA and the wonderful fellowship and people that were kind and loving and showed me how to do this. Walk through certain situations. There's nothing that I have been through, or I believe that I could go through in life. If someone in the rooms of AA, hasn't walked through with grace and love and compassion. And that's how we, we roll that way with each other, and overall, this is it loving kind, God, that only wants the best for us. He wants us to pass that along to other people. And that's a true gift and that's when the obsession to drink or drug is removed when I'm back to that place. But the good news is the threshold for pain is lowered and I feel it much sooner. And that means I can take some action and get back into the middle of this thing and get back into the flow of life and the flow of love. And this, let go of the control, understand like people are struggling with stuff. I struggle with stuff. Part of being human, if I learn how to be live in my own skin, but when I learn how to let go and work on that relationship with God really love the 11 stuff. And what that gives me, it gives me just this infinite pathway into that fourth dimension where I can get centered again. You know what I mean? When I'm talking to people that are speaking the same language, that language of the heart, it gives me that perspective where I can learn, you know what, man, just let me untangle this. I'm so wrapped up. I can get so wrapped up in myself and just be a false narrative stuff. And I can try to figure stuff out and create this false narrative. That's just totally fiction. But I believe that's my alcoholism that will try to. Check me, because it wants me to lose my job and lose my relationships and wants me to alienate myself and my kids and from you and from all my friends. And it doesn't want me to go to meetings, but I'm a different person today. I'm a different person today by the grace of God in this program, the fellowship. And one day at a time is the way we do it. Yup.

Lee: 28:20

I love it. I love everything you're saying, and you're painting such a beautiful picture of coming from darkness, pure darkness, where all you wanted to do was drink drug and kill yourself to stepping with grace into a life that isn't always easy. But you're able to navigate it today with a set of tools called the steps of alcoholics anonymous and and a higher power that has always had your best interest at heart. I love the hope that your message is generating and it's helping me today. So I know it's helping a lot of other people as well as we begin to wrap up Joe. First of all, thank you so much for stepping up and doing this today at the last minute, no less. Is there any final thing you'd like our audience to hear before

Joe W.: 29:01

we close? I'd just say you're welcome. And thank you for asking because it's helping me a lot. So that's, that's the other thing I would say if, come to meetings, this is a safe place. We're all in the same boat. We all want to help each other. Overcome this active alcoholism and learn how to, live a different way. And we're all in this together for me. Like I needed more than just the meetings I needed to get a sponsor. It's highly recommended or suggested to get a sponsor, but, to thy own self be true. I have learned that. My way, my story and what I did when I came in here, I needed someone to walk me through those 12 steps. So I could use those and understand how to the basis of how to use that as a framework of life. And then keep coming to see and understand how other people using these 12 steps to. To learn to live life, and be okay in our own skin is that's what we're looking at. That's all I ever wanted is to be comfortable in my own skin. And today I am, for the most part, no one I'm not. It's me and there's something I can do about it, be patient with yourself, be gentle with yourself. If you want to stop drinking and you truly have a desire to stop drinking and you want to, we're not going to call you an alcoholic, but no one did that to me. I had to say to myself and the other thing that was very important for me. And we talk, there are two parts to this. And the second part again, it's something that hit me, like asking for help is the first part. But the second part, which is more important, I think is accepting the help. That's very important. Like I can ask for the help and then live in the yeah. But yeah, but, and that's like a half measure and that avails me nothing. We're here to help you. If anyone's struggling out there, it's this program is a miracle, it's an absolute miracle. And and I cannot, I'm really excited for what the future holds in terms of sticking around here and doing this one day at a time.

Lee: 30:57

Yes, me too. It is a miracle and what a beautiful message. So thank you so much. And I hope to

Joe W.: 31:03

have you back. Thank you very much. Appreciate it.