#110 Self-Examination (Apr 20) - Ceci B. (Sanibel, FL)

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi, this is CCB and welcome to the daily reflection podcast. It used to be fun to drink. I felt so relaxed when I drank. I was like, this is great. I'm the prettiest person in the room. I'm the smartest person. I'm the funniest person. And then that started to turn around a little bit and I wasn't so smart. I wasn't so funny. I wasn't so pretty. I was miserable. I couldn't drink. I couldn't just have one drink. I had to drink and drank and drank until I couldn't drink anymore. I thought it was fun. It was a badge of honor to pass out. I feel such peace when I can say I've done the best I can. And that's good enough for me. The 10 step helps me because it settles me down. It gives me the opportunity for the self-examination gives me an opportunity to be honest with myself. Like I said before, that's not easy.

Speaker 2: 0:56

Welcome to the daily reflection podcast. My name is Michael Lin from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Speaker 3: 1:00

Yeah. And I'm leaving McGinnis from Leesburg, Virginia

Speaker 2: 1:03

As members of the recovery community. We created this podcast as a way to provide experience strength and hope through the lens of the daily reflection book. Each day, we interview members of the recovery community in the hope that their experience may provide inspiration.

Speaker 3: 1:16

We value inclusion and diversity, and we really want to provide a platform for all the voices of recovery. We aren't affiliated with any 12 step or recovery program, but you may hear these mentioned throughout the course of an interview.

Speaker 2: 1:28

Hey, before we get to the show, I'd like to ask a favor. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, it'd be great. If you could leave us a comment or a rating, this is going to do a couple of things. It's going to help us expand our reach and improve the show.

Speaker 3: 1:40

We hope you enjoy this episode.

Speaker 2: 1:42

Welcome CC. Welcome to the podcast. It's great to have you on the show once again.

Speaker 1: 1:46

Thanks Mike. Thanks Lee. I love being here.

Speaker 2: 1:49

And today we are looking at the daily reflection for April 20th, which is self-examination CC. Do you want to get us started and read the daily reflection?

Speaker 1: 2:01

Absolutely. Self-examination we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self pity dishonest or self-seeking motives that's from the big book, page 86, when said, sincerely, this prayer teaches me to be truly unselfish and humble for even in doing good deeds. I often use to seek approval and glory for myself by examining my motives and all that I do. I can be of service to God and others, helping them do what they want to do. When I put God in charge of my thinking much, needless worry is eliminated. And I believe he guides me throughout the day when I eliminate thoughts of self-pity dishonesty. And self-centeredness, as soon as they enter my mind, I find peace with God, my neighbor and myself, I feel at peace. Well, just love things. You read that, you know, why don't we, you know, let's maybe follow the formula, what it was like, what happened and what it's like now, just to keep us in a little bit of an order maybe, and you know, what was your life like before you got sober? Sure. I was filled with self pity. I was dishonest and I was self seeking. I mean, it says it right here in the book. That was me when I did something nice. It was usually for my own good. What could I get out of this? I was manipulative and I thought of myself first and only the word humility never entered into my vocabulary. It wasn't something. I understood. It wasn't something I grasped and it was probably not something I really wanted. So things have changed. Do you think you knew that you were the opposite of those things or like I do think I knew and I think that's why I finally hit a bottom because I was able to say, this is no good. I can't be like this. So there obviously was something in my mind that was better. I saw people who acted in ways that I wanted to act. And I certainly wasn't acting that way. I wasn't doing esteemable things. I had a higher power in essence. I didn't know it, but it was that whole concept that there was something better out there than the way I was living. And I could do it differently, but I had to hit a bottom to get to that point where I could accept it. Because for so long, I ran my own show.

Speaker 2: 4:32

You expressed some of the things that are mentioned in the, in the daily reflection at lack of humility. And these certainly seem to be in common with many, many alcoholics, many people that find themselves in, in the program of recovery. I know they're not unique, but why do you think that these things are so prevalent? Why are there so many, I'll call them character defects, but so common amongst the folks that find themselves in recovery.

Speaker 1: 4:57

It's funny. You should say that because I often laugh with my sponsees and we could be very different. Many of us are, but we had the same character defects. It's like, okay, here are the four character defects. Which one do you have today? I think that alcohol is a symptom. I have a lot of isms and I know other people in the program have spoken about their isms. I knew a man who used to say that he was cross addicted. I am Mike I'm cross addicted was what he would say. And they always made me laugh. The point I'm trying to make is that because alcohol is a symptom, we're all suffering a soul sickness. I think we're at a point in our lives where we're just consumed with self I'll, speak for myself. I was consumed with self. And whether that is a result of my upbringing, whether it's a result of the environment, maybe it's a result of my genetic makeup. I don't know. I don't care. I know that I was in a miserable and that as a result, I was fearful. I was dishonest. I was self-seeking. I was self-centered. I think those were all ways for me to fill a hole and alcohol was right there with it. So I'm not sure I answered that, but it's the kind of thing that I think we all share that same soul sickness I did too.

Speaker 4: 6:21

How old were you when you came into recovery?

Speaker 1: 6:24

Uh, it was, I was 30. I was 32. Cause I'll, I'll celebrate 30 years this year. Wow.

Speaker 4: 6:31

Wow. And what was your bottom? Like? You mentioned that a couple of times. So what, what did that look like?

Speaker 1: 6:36

I had stopped drinking for a number of years before I came into AA. My drinking had gotten out of hand. I found that it used to be fun to drink. I felt so relaxed when I drank it was like, this is great. I'm the prettiest person in the room. I'm the smartest person. I'm the funniest person. And then that started to turn around a little bit and I wasn't so smart. I wasn't so funny. I wasn't so pretty. I was miserable. And so many of my friends who I had gone out and had fun with, they started to settle down and grow up, essentially that I wasn't there. And I didn't want to be there. I, I couldn't understand what had happened to them. Life had happened to them and life was passing me by, I stopped drinking because one night I was walking home after a party and I had been drinking and drinking and drinking and I couldn't get drunk. I couldn't get rid of the pain. I wasn't having fun. I walked home. I lived in New York city. The party was way down on the lower West side, like near the West side highway. And I thought, you know, I think I'm going to walk home. And I lived on way uptown. So I walked through a terrible neighborhood and the thought that went through my mind and I remember it like it was yesterday was I hope someone rapes and kills me because I don't want to go on anymore. And that was a bottom, but it wasn't enough to get me into AA, but it was a bottom that made me stop and realize I can't drink anymore if I'm getting like this. So I spent the next couple of years, Billy[inaudible] miserable. I used to scratch myself until I bled. It was just awful. I didn't lose my job. I really didn't have any relationships of any meaning that I could lose. I still had my family, but I hated myself. I hated my life. I couldn't do anything about it. I was helpless. And my brother who had come into the, after a pretty messy life of drugs and alcohol, he was the one when I went to see, he invited me to his 90 day celebration and remember, I'm not drinking, but I'm miserable. And I went to this and the beautiful experience. And it's the only way I can describe it as seeing my brother healthy and happy and with a fellowship, like no other, I recognize that I needed something like that, but I still, it took me about six months, seven months before I actually came to a meeting.

Speaker 2: 9:31

Yeah. And I've met your brother. That's a great example of recovery and that's, it's wonderful inspiration. When you can look to somebody, you never know who's going to be watching you and, uh, and getting inspiration from your recovery. Right. I'm curious about the, uh, the genetics question. I mean, if, if your brother found himself in recovery and you find, find yourself in recovery, what do you think about the, the genetic link to alcoholism or addiction?

Speaker 1: 9:56

You know, I am not a doctor, but I do think there's something there. And maybe it's not so much genetic, but we were raised in a home where cocktails every night and sometimes a lot of cocktails every night. And it was something that we grew up and it was something that people did. And so drinking for me was a normal act. It wasn't really a, nobody suggested it. It was just something that I did. It came with the territory, whether that's genetic or not. I don't know. I just think that that's how we grew up. And that's what we, we thought drinking was perfectly normal. Something was wrong with me. I couldn't drink. I couldn't just have one drink. I had to drink and drink and drink until I couldn't drink anymore. I thought it was fun. It was a badge of honor to pass out. I remember being at a bar in New York city with a bunch of friends. It was about three o'clock. It must've been before two because I think the bars closed at two, but we were doing flaming shots. And one of the girls, her face went on fire because her eyebrows started to burn in her hair. We thought that was the funniest thing in the world. I look back on that today and I'm horrified, but back then, boy, wasn't that funny? Life is different today. If I, goodness, I haven't said anybody's face on fire as far as I know. It's amazing how that, that never happens after he stopped drinking. Um, so you stopped drinking, but it sounds like you were still suffering so much. They're probably worse. I would think because now, so how long you said that was a couple of years of that. Yes. And so then you, you went to your brother's celebration and that got you thinking that maybe perhaps alcoholics anonymous was, or the potential for you? His words to me at one point. And I can't remember exactly when they were, but was, you know, maybe you want to try this. And I was seeing a therapist at the time and she would say to me, gee, maybe you'd like to try alcoholics anonymous. And I thought, nah, I don't think so. I don't, I'm not drinking. Why would I need to do that? But seeing what my brother had experienced, that was great. I also tried Overeaters anonymous and that was okay. But I found alcoholics anonymous was far more helpful to me.

Speaker 2: 12:32

Did it take you awhile to get into the steps and to start to work the program? Nope. No. You got busy, got busy right away.

Speaker 1: 12:39

I got busy. I celebrated my 90 days in New York city and moved about 10 days later to Florida was a plan that I had had in the works for about six months or so. And I came and I moved down to Sanibel Island and while I was down there, there's really just like one meeting a day on the Island. And everybody goes to that one meeting a day. So you get to know everyone. And my sponsor was terrific. She was the kind of person who I've all, I frankly, all the sponsors I've had have been this way. They've been very forthright and doing the steps was important. So she had made a notebook for me with all these little papers and I'm kind of an academic person. And it was really great for me to have that. So God works in mysterious ways because when I asked her to be my sponsor, I didn't know that she would put together a binder for me, how exciting. So, and that, you know, I still have that binder 30 years later. I wish we could see that binder. So what's in the binder, in the binder. I think it came from Hazelton. I haven't looked at it for probably a year or so. Cause I, when I found it, we had moved and it was in a box and we unpacked the box and it was some Hazleton material and there were questions for each step and she, she was so clever. She put in like coloring book kind of stuff of the pictures and illustrated it for me. But it was, um, it was really helpful because I needed to see I'm visual. I want to see what do I do next? Your step one. Okay. These are the questions. And my sponsor today, she and I have been working on the, uh, narcotics anonymous has a book that has questions about each step. And she and I are doing that now. So that's been kind of cool.

Speaker 2: 14:36

So tell me a little bit about your progress through the steps. Step one, we're we're powerless. We've been we're powerless over alcohol. Step two. We start to think about a power greater than ourselves. Did you struggle at all with that concept? And what's your concept of a higher power look like today? Well,

Speaker 1: 14:52

My concept of a higher power is defined by something that a retired Jesuit priest told me, the God of my recovery is not the God of my youth. And that really helped me a lot, but it also confused me a little bit because here was this God of my youth that I'd had for 32 years and suddenly everything gets thrown into tailspin. So it's taken me. It's been a work in progress for me. I didn't have trouble at first because I thought, Oh, I go to church. I believe in God. And after a few years, I recognized that that relationship with God was inauthentic. It wasn't what I wanted it to be. It was very one-sided. I used to go to church and wonder about where to sit, who would see me? What am I wearing? You know, that's crazy talk, but that's how I was. And when I finally recognized that, and I'd been in the program for a number of years, I finally realized that that wasn't what I wanted. That's not the relationship I want to have with a higher power. And today it's a lot different. I don't have to go to mass every day and say the Rose rate. And some people do and God bless them. That's great if it works for you do it, but that wasn't working for me. So today I have a very simple prayer that I start with every morning and it's this God, I promise I will try to do your will today. Simple period. End of sentence. And that's what keeps me going. And I can think of that prayer throughout the day. And it's easy to remember. It's exactly what I needed to say. My prayer life today is simple. I think when I was here last time, I read you all of the poem by Mary Oliver, that my prayers are like weeds in a vacant lots sometimes, but they still work. And my higher power to me today is it's kind of a concept that's nebulous to me. I don't see a man with a beard and flowing robes today. I think of my higher power as the greater good, there is a greater good in the world. And I said it before I knew there was something better than me. There's a higher power and it's not me. And it took me a while to understand that. And today I know that my higher power is with me all the time. I just have to seek it.

Speaker 4: 17:20

Yeah, it's beautiful. And I love the fact that alcoholics anonymous as a program allows us to do this. However we want with regard to figuring out, letting it unfold for us, who that higher power is and then how we're going to communicate with it. And it really doesn't matter what we do. But you know, just thinking about this particular topic, um, is finding a, uh, a power greater than myself that I can rely on for ongoing recovery. What would you a newcomer who

Speaker 1: 17:50

May be struggling with that piece right now? Where would you start? It would be important to find out that person has as a higher power because everybody can have a different concept. Everybody's starting at a different place. And I think it's important for me. If I were to meet someone, I would try to understand that with that person, not in a judgemental way, but in more. Tell me a little bit about that. What do you, what are your feelings? And from there letting this person know that a higher power is just something better than you are, and that's it, it's simple, whether it's a God, whether it's the fellowship, whether it's the expression, good orderly direction, it's there for all of us. And to believe that is important, but more important is to have trust in it. It's I have faith, but do I trust sometimes I trust more than others. And I think that is important to say to a newcomer. You don't have to have it all together right now, but just pay attention, be open. And that's, what's really important to be open. I still have to be open and I've been here for almost 30 years. I still have to approach my days with being open-minded some days I don't want to be. I really don't, but I know today I'll feel better if I do, but I do go kicking and screaming sometimes

Speaker 2: 19:18

Of a higher power was one thing. And I love that it was essential for me. I'm curious about when you made that transition and what you consider to be your spiritual experience. Was it a white light experience? Like some people describe or was it more educated?

Speaker 1: 19:36

It was not a white light. And I was so angry about that because I thought, man, that'd be so much easier. Um, it was, uh, it's been gradual. It's taken me awhile. Um, I've had experiences in my life that have been very difficult since I've been in sobriety and we lost a child and to lose a child is devastating, but I got through it. I was in recovery. I had was about, it happened in 2002. So I had about 11 years of sobriety and had it not been for the program and going to meetings every day. And I had dear friends who we had a daughter at the time who was four and my friends would take her every day. So I could go to a meeting and what a gift that was. And it got me through a very difficult time because we knew the baby was going to die. So I had six months of that knowledge and it was, it was a difficult time, but I got through it. I got through it by listening to people in the program who had suffered own losses and also people in the program who would speak about gratitude. And it helped me to recognize the things I could be grateful for. My spiritual experience happens when I'm grateful, when I make a list and I look at the things I'm grateful for. That's a spiritual experience for me. It is every single day because I can look at something and say, boy, that sucks. Or I can look at it and say, you know what, it's going to be okay. And everything turns out, okay. It really truly does. No. I told Lee, I have a lung tumor right now, but I've got great doctors. I've got supportive friends and family life is going on just perfectly fine. And I've got a great prognosis and I'm going to go forward with that. And, um, I feel really good about it. I talked to my sponsor nearly every day. She questions me all the time. Do you have any fears what's going on? I truly don't have any fears and maybe that'll change, but right now I'm going to live in the moment, take it one day at a time because that's what I've heard from people in the program. And that's what that is through the loss of our daughter living one day at a time, we spent every day at the beach that summer, I had my daughter at the beach every day. Could it get any better than that? It was beautiful. And so, you know, the same thing with this tumor, you know, I'm having great days. So I have nothing to worry about. That's gratitude and that's a spiritual experience, pure and simple,

Speaker 4: 22:29

Beautiful share. And I'm just so sorry about your loss. Thank you for sharing, trusting us with that. I know for a fact that this attitude that you're talking about is the attitude that you have because I've checked in on you. Yes. You always have. You've always had this, this just such a positive attitude around this situation that you're facing right now. And I have no doubt that you're going to come through it with flying colors because I really believe that attitude's probably 90% of it. Um,

Speaker 1: 22:57

Well thank you. See friends like you. I mean, I'm grateful for you. That's, there's nothing better than that.

Speaker 4: 23:06

Yup. I agree. And recovery brought us, you know, it brings us all, all three of us together here at the restaurant, you know, having a devastating illness that brings us into a beautiful place. And so I love, I love that the spiritual experience, it doesn't necessarily have to be the top of the mountain top thing, but can be just an uncovering of gift after gift, after gift, after gift and amidst difficult circumstances. So, so let's move a little bit into the third step, a little more into the third step, if we can. Um, you know, you're talking a lot about a higher power, is that, what does it look like to, you know, begin to turn one's will and life over to the care of that. Whatever is, and I know like

Speaker 1: 23:46

Early on in recovery, we don't really know how to do that. We know we've made a decision to do it. I don't know how to do it. I think that's one of those things that you, you don't know it until you try it because yeah, I can turn things over to God, but then when the rubber meets the road, do I do it sometimes, as I said earlier, kicking and screaming, I don't want to let it go, but that's what I don't have trust because if I don't have trust that a higher power has my back, I'm not going to let things go very easily because I'm going to be afraid that my higher power is going to take something I want or not. Let me get something I want. And that's what I think it's in the seventh step in this 12 and 12, where it talks about that. We have a fear of losing what we have. We have a fear of not getting what we want and that ultimately is what drives my train. Because if I trust that God's got my back, it's going to go a lot better and I can turn things over. And sometimes it's so easy. And sometimes as I said, I struggle, but I know that when I turn it over, it's like the reading said, you know, it's so much easier when we turn these things over. I feel such peace when I can say I've done the best I can. And that's good enough for me. And I've had problems with work. I, I manage people and sometimes that can be so tough, but I've learned today, that to be of service is what God wants me to do. And I'd rather be useful than important if that's the right way to say it. You know, I really do today. It's like with the reading where it said I would seek approval and glory for myself today, I know I have to be of service. And that's a lot different than the person I was 30 years ago. It's a lot different than the person I was probably 20 years ago, 10 years ago. It's still a work in progress. And that's because I have more trust in a higher power today to turn things over. I know I'm going to be okay. I know it's okay to admit my mistakes and take responsibility for things I've done wrong. I'm not afraid of doing that now.

Speaker 2: 26:09

Yeah. I think that takes practice. I need to do that on a regular basis. And when I, when I do that, I get out of myself, I get into service, I build some self esteem and it becomes easier the next time. So, so maybe talk a little bit about talk to the newcomers and folks that are just getting into this program. How do you get in service today?

Speaker 1: 26:31

Services? So wonderful, um, services showing up at a meeting services, saying hello to some newcomer, remembering that person's name so that when you see the person again, hi, how you, it's nice to see you back. Service is difficult on zoom in some ways, because you can't empty ashtrays. Well, I don't

Speaker 4: 26:51

Think anybody smokes anymore in meetings, but you

Speaker 1: 26:53

Know, they should put ashtrays out

Speaker 4: 26:55

Anyway, just so people have something to do.

Speaker 1: 26:58

Um, I think for me on zoom, it's, it's offering to host a meeting it's um, reaching out to others. We do a, I go to a zoom meeting

Speaker 4: 27:07

Every morning at seven. That's just been tremendous

Speaker 1: 27:10

Through this whole pandemic. And we have people who host. We have people who read, um, we have people who co-hosts so that when newcomers come in, we can greet them, uh, get phone numbers as a newcomer, get a phone number. And you may not have anything to say, still call somebody and reach out to them. All you have to do is say, hi, how are you today? That's it. You don't have to go into any depth. You just say, hi, how are you today? That is service. You know, I think for a newcomer, reaching out is the best service you can give. You all know it. If somebody calls you and asks for help, I'm thrilled when they do that. And maybe that's my ego, but I am thrilled when somebody asks me for help, that person is doing me service ultimately. So newcomers reach out. That's all you have to do. And it's scary at first, but I'll tell you what my brother told me. He would say call somebody every day. And I said, why? I don't need to call somebody every day. He said, well, if you call somebody every day, when you do need to call somebody every day, you'll know who to call, or you could appear on a podcast. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 4: 28:35

You are definitely. And you always say yes, yes, of course I'll do anything you want, including this deeper dive one that we're doing today. So I'm thinking about just, you know, what you're talking about, how you don't really have to ask a lot or say a lot. It's just the act of reaching out and making the call. And I think it goes both ways, right? So if they're new and you need them, you need to ask for help. Or even if you're maybe still new or, or not as new, and you're making calls to check on people. It seems like there's a mystical component to this thing where if we just show up and make the move, we are better. It's kinda magical. You know, if I reach out and talk to somebody, even if I'm disturbed or something like, I'm just going to feel better by just the act of, of being of service, whether it's emptying an Ashley or making a call or, or whatever it is. And that's something that I can never really quite explain, but it just works that way.

Speaker 1: 29:31

I was going to say, there's a reading. I did. I think it was yesterday. Just like you're talking about, about how this is a selfish program. And I hear that and I think, Oh, Oh, that's not a good thing. Selfish is not good. It's a selfish program because if I'm doing my best to help other people, I'm going to be the one who gets something out of that. Maybe the other, you know, I'm responsible for carrying the message. I'm not responsible for somebody else receiving it. But by me carrying the message, I'm drilling it into my own head. So I don't know if that was what you were getting at, but it's important to reach out because you're helping somebody and you're helping yourself. Yeah. I think I was, it's like a win-win. I mean, it's yeah. It's regardless of the motive. Cause I know in the beginning, when I was in early recovery, I was kind of being of service to be a good AA or, and to get an a, and it really doesn't matter because as long as I stepped up in service, I was still reaping the benefits of recovery. And then eventually my motives changed, I think, as a result of doing the steps, my motives started to change. And rather than wanting to get the a, now I just genuinely want to help others. And I think that's the medical component to it. Like it changes that regardless of what it is we're doing. Yeah. Let's like I said, in the beginning I was manipulative. I did things, not because I was altruistic, but because I was selfish and today I come into the program, I recognize that doing things is a good thing to do. I want my sponsor to be happy with me. I want my sponsor to like me and think I'm doing well. So I would do things. But as you said, I soon realized that doing things was really great in and of itself. And I hope I can do that today.

Speaker 2: 31:18

And there's a, there's another benefit too. I mean, I experienced this when I reach out or when someone reaches out to me and I'm placed in that moment where I can be of service. What I'm forced to do is look at my program and look at what my sponsor tells me and the simple act of not necessarily regurgitating, but, but like bringing up what I've learned and sharing that with another it further cemented in my mind. And we become teachers, we learn the content by, by teaching it right.

Speaker 1: 31:51

I thought for a few years, and that's exactly right. You know, I, I had to stay a chapter ahead of my students so that I could reinforce it by teaching them. And that's how I learned it.

Speaker 2: 32:02

So do you work formally with, with sponsees?

Speaker 1: 32:06

I think six or sponsees it's, everybody's different. You know, somebody has more sobriety than another. Somebody has more peace than another. Somebody has more experiences than another somebody's bottom was different than the others. So it's all different. I work with my sponsor, which helps me to work with other people because she's taught me how to be a good sponsor or how to, what to be as a sponsor, whether I do it or not is on me. I have some sponsors that call. I have some that don't really call. Um, I have some that make me crazy. I have some that, you know, it's, it's a walk in the park, so everybody's different. And it depends on how, what I'm up to. I know for a fact that doing the steps is a process. I can't say, okay, we're going to do step one this week and we're going to do step two next week. It's kind of a fluid experience. And I know when I've done fourth and fifth steps with other people, I do it differently maybe than maybe leave than you do with your sponsees. But what I suggest they do is write everything down on a piece of paper, all your gripes, just write them all down, all your resentments, write them all down, all the things you're off about, write it down. Then we go through the columns because the columns were very daunting to me. And I thought, am I doing this right? Am I not doing it right? And I think for newcomers, the more simple, the better that's how it was for me. And I found that that's been very effective. I also find something that my sponsor does for me is really good is I'll have an issue and we'll be at Starbucks and she'll say, well, you gotta write it down and she'll take the napkin. That's on the table that she's probably, you know, wiped your lipstick on. And she'll pull a pad, a pen out of her huge pocket books like Mary Poppins. And she'll say to me, write it down, hand me the napkin and the piece of paper. I have to write it down right there in front of her. No, don't put it off. Do it right now. Or if we're on the phone, okay. Call me in an hour. It's that with, you know, a gratitude list, a fear list of four-step you name it, got to write it down. And that's one thing I tell my sponsees. Some do some don't. Some people are, have a real aversion to writing things down, but I'm a firm believer in writing it down, especially fearless. You got to fearless. That's what you have to write down because my sponsor told me one time, write it down, keep it for six months, pull it out and see, did the world crash? Did it come true if it came true? Was it okay looking at it six months later, man, that really puts things in perspective. So that the next six months, when you have another fear, you realize it's going to be okay.

Speaker 4: 35:07

I love that. The power of connecting to your thoughts by writing them down. I think for me, writing connects me to my thinking as opposed to typing into a spreadsheet, which I've had a couple people try to do. And I'm like, you, I make them write it. It's great that you got into this because I wanted to move into four and five. And specifically, how was it for you sharing your, your inventory for the, you know, talk to us a little bit about what steps were in five minutes, are you sure it's peeling onion four

Speaker 1: 35:38

And five. That's peeling the onion right there because the first fourth step I did, I just touched the surface, but I did that. And at the time it was the best I could do. And then I learned there was more and I've had to do more than one fourth step and each one is a journey. Each one is, you know, powerful because today I do the columns today. I know that I can go deeper. And I'm more honest with myself today. I mean, honesty is such a tough thing. It's a real tough nut to crack because I can be honest with you. I can be honest with Mike. I can be honest with other people, but I can really try to fool myself sometimes and doing a fourth step is all about honesty for me. It's that rigorous honesty that we talk about. So when I did my first four-step, I felt really good with, with my sponsor afterwards, it just made me feel close to her. It made me feel like I was okay and that some of these shameful secrets that I had, I was going to be okay, every fourth step I've done. I've had that same feeling. So today I don't dread it. The very first meeting I went to was a fourth step meeting. And I walked out of that, definitely afraid because I thought everybody was saying how awful this is. And I thought I'll never be able to do that so that when it came time to do one, it was really a nice experience. I enjoyed it. Um, and since then I've done more and more. And I, I, as I said, it's peeling the onion layers because today I've gotten to a point where I recognize things that I missed the first time around. I missed the second time around. I know there's probably more, I know I'm going to have to do another four step maybe in a month or two, three months, three years. And I'll find more things. And I look forward to that because that stuff I don't want to keep anymore. And it's amazing because sometimes I did a four step. Oh my goodness. I'm not sure how long ago it was now. But when I was doing it, I pulled up things from my youth. And from my years in New York city, when I was in my twenties that I hadn't thought about and I recognizes, Ooh, that's something I don't feel good about. And that, that was a great gift because then I was able to share it. And you know, you know, you hear this all the time. My sponsor either falls asleep or she's dying of laughter while I'm doing my fourth, my fifth step. She's heard it before. She's done worse. It's not a big deal who knows, but it always, and I think I'm so important. That's a great lesson in humility. And it's just on one thing. It's not that big a deal. You know, we got to get to it. However, however we can. And if a four step is what we need, then by God do it,

Speaker 2: 38:37

It's an amazing framework. It's a great way to live for sure. So you want to talk a little bit about what else has changed in your life? And you know, the last line of the reading today talks about finding peace. I find peace with God, my neighbor, and myself, maybe talk a little bit about how that's manifesting for you today.

Speaker 1: 38:55

For me getting up in the morning and going to a meeting is the been the greatest thing. I mean, my heart breaks for so many people who have suffered during this pandemic. It's just been awful for me. It's been a gift. And I say that truly with all honesty, I, I have had a real gift because I started going to a 7:00 AM meeting a year ago. I have gone to that 7:00 AM meeting, probably 99% of the days we've had since then. And you know, I get up, I'm gung ho for that 7:00 AM meeting. And then my day goes on, but starting the day I start with that prayer, as I said earlier, God, I promise to try to do your will today. Get up, go to a meeting, the serenity, prayer, the fellowship, the opportunity to hear other people's stories. It's just been brilliant. And so that's helped me for the rest of the day. I kind of feel like after I do that, I could go knock over a seven 11 and I'd still be fine. You know, it's like, I am so peaceful. I've had a great hour and now the rest of the day is going to be just icing on the cake. And I swear it is. So I talks about that, the honesty and self centered self pity dishonesty. And self-centeredness right before that line, Mike. And that's what if I go to that meeting, if I do the actions that I need to take, and the meeting is just one, it's the prayer, it's the meeting. It's I try to meditate a frequently as I can. And I journal. And I think I mentioned that last time and the journaling is what's really important for me because it gives me that self-examination, that this talks about I don't do it in the morning. I do it at night just because in the morning I go to my 7:00 AM meeting and I can't get up that much earlier. God can ask that much of me. I love that. So we're talking a little bit about, about morning routine and which, you know, can lead us. We kind of skipped a little bit over the eight and nine, but I do want to, and we're going to run out of time. So I want to make sure we get into 10, 11 and 12, because it sounds like as you're talking about that, that many inventory, you're kind of doing a 10 set sort of along the way. Oh, it seems like. Um, because it does say in the book, um, on the 10th step, we continue to watch for selfishness self-pity et cetera. And, and as I really processed that it's like continuing continue all the time. It's not. And when I was new, I was told to do my 10, seven at the end of the day and to take five minutes and do it. But as I read the, it says, continue to watch for these things. And so as we see them creep up, the next step is to take a look at them and do the mini inventory and then maybe talk to somebody and then make an amends if we need an ask God to direct us. And so how does, how does your 10, 11 step practice look? Okay. So 10 is doing that journaling every night because I asked myself, was I fearful? Was I resentful? Was I dishonest? Was I self-centered, you know, I go through that litany because it helps me to know was I, and then there are times when I say, Hey, I did okay. I handled that situation pretty well, but I write it down and it commits me to memory. I also read every day and the readings, I find something that really connects with me. And it's usually something about my higher power or how to grow spiritually, how to have a better spiritual life. Those are things that I want to do. So I'll do something it'll strike me, I'll write about it. And that's where my prayer comes in because I start like the, the books we'll talk about. There's certain prayers with every step. There are certain prayers that really helped me. And sometimes I have to just stop and think about them. You know, I don't want to say God, grant me the serenity, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I want to think it through. And that's where the 10 step helps me because it settles me down. It gives me the opportunity for the self-examination gives me an opportunity to be honest with myself. Like I said before, that's not easy. And then it gives me an opportunity to know what I need help with. And that's what I can ask my higher power. No, I seek a higher power. I don't always have it, but I seek it. And that's where the 11 step works for me. And then when I've done that I can be of service to other people I can get out of myself. I can think about, well, this isn't all about CC today. This is about my husband or my daughter or my friend people. I work with know I bristle sometimes because I don't want to do something, but then I stop. And I think, you know, this isn't about me. Maybe I can help somebody else right now. So that's where 10, 11, and 12, they all kind of follow right after each other, as they do with the steps they do in my life.

Speaker 2: 44:02

The finishing steps. Yes. Beautiful. We'll see. See, we're just about to wrap. I want to thank you for joining us today. Is there anything else you'd like to share with the audience?

Speaker 1: 44:12

I want to read something. If I may, it's real quick. It's from it's from, as bill sees it, it was something that reminded me of today's reading. And it says often as I review each day only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were. The temptation is to imagine

Speaker 4: 44:32

That I had good motives and reasons when I really hadn't. And that's where I think we all have to go sometimes to that place of rigorous honesty to say, what are my motives today? What, uh, what am I trying to do? And if I ask myself that question, I can get to the answer I want. I can do the esteemable things that I'd like to do. Beautiful. I love that. I'm so glad you read it for us. And I'm so glad you said yes to this. Well, thank you for asking beautiful experience and uh, just want to say a quick prayer in your presence. That all goes well over the next few days for you. And, uh, I will doubt. I know will love you. Thank you for coming. I love you too. And ed said, he'll give you a text or a call on Friday. Excellent. That's what we need does need to know. You're good. I'm good. Thank you guys. If you need anything, let me know. Okay. Thank you CC course. Thank you.

Speaker 2: 45:29

Thanks so much for listening. If you want to find us online, you can follow us on Facebook at facebook.com/groups/daily reflection podcast. You can find us on Twitter at daily reflector. You can read stories of recovery from our community at blog, that daily reflection, podcast.com. Please don't forget to give us a rating on your podcast app. We greatly appreciate it. Have a great day.